One of You Keeps Reaching. One of You Keeps Retreating.
You're not on the brink of anything. You go on dates. You split the logistics of running a life together and mostly get it right. From the outside, this relationship works. But somewhere along the way, the conversations went surface-level, and neither of you quite noticed when it happened.
Maybe one of you keeps reaching for something more, and the other keeps retreating from it. Maybe it's the same fight you've had a dozen times now, and you both already know how it ends before it starts. Or maybe there isn't a fight at all anymore, just less and less being said, and you miss the version of this relationship where more got talked about.
You may recognize some of this:
You've been putting yourself last for so long that resentment crept in and you feel guilty for resenting someone you love
There's a specific thing you want to say to your partner but you're genuinely scared to say it so it stays unsaid
You'll go pretty far out of your way to avoid conflict, further than you'd probably admit.
You want balance in the relationship but you're not entirely sure what that would even look like since you've never had it modeled for you
You wish, at least sometimes, that you had a partner you could really lean on instead of being the one who's always managing things so they don't have to
When you're anxious your partner doesn't quite know what to do with it, and you don't know how to explain it in a way that helps either of you
You've stayed quiet about how you're really feeling because you're afraid of how it'll land, so you keep choosing the peace despite the fact that it keeps you stuck
You could probably write the script for your most common fight with your partner at this point, and you still don't know how to end it differently
If a lot of this sounds like the same over-functioning that shows up everywhere else in your life, or the same instinct to manage everyone's feelings before your own, that's not a coincidence. It usually shows up here too.
How Therapy Works
The first step is to schedule a free, 15-20 minute phone consultation to decide if we think we’re a good fit. We’ll talk briefly about what is bringing you to therapy and how I might be able to support you. I’ll answer any questions you have and let you know what to expect before setting up an intake appointment.
During our first session (intake), we’ll explore what you’re seeking support with in more detail. I will ask questions about your life, listen, and give you space to share your story. My goal will be to gather background information from you and get to know you better before embarking on our work.
At the end of our first session, we’ll define the main goals you want to achieve during our time together. We’ll discuss some of the barriers you may be facing, and collaborate on a plan that meets your needs.
In our subsequent sessions, we will continue to work on the goals you created at the beginning of therapy. If new problems arise, we will hold space for those problems too. We will check in on your goals and make adjustments as necessary.
What Working Together Looks Like
This isn't couples-in-crisis work. Most of what I do here is individual: understanding the resentment, the guilt that follows it, and the fear that being honest with your partner will cost you something. I also see a limited number of couples directly — high-functioning partners who are stuck in a rut rather than heading toward a crisis — if that's a better fit for where you are.
We'll look at what balance and reciprocity would actually look like for you, since a lot of my clients have never had a working model for it, and at what it might feel like to actually be leaned on by someone instead of always being the one holding things up. We'll also look at conflict
itself: if nobody showed you how to navigate it growing up, it makes sense that it terrifies you now, or that you avoid it entirely and call it keeping the peace.
What Getting There Looks Like
Not a relationship with no disagreements. A relationship where a disagreement doesn't feel like a threat to the whole thing.
Clients doing this work with me describe saying the thing they were scared to say, and it not costing them what they thought it would. Feeling less resentment because needs are getting spoken instead of swallowed. Finding out what it's like to have a partner who can actually meet you partway, and actually letting them, once you've let them know where you are.
If this sounds like where you are, you don't have to keep managing this alone.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation and we'll talk, see if we're a good fit, and go from there.
Frequently Asked Questions
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